Monday, October 01, 2007 @ 10:43 AMsometimes, it's really just a fine line between happy and sad.
it does not exactly feel good, to be caught in the middle.
feeling lost and clueless.. not exactly ideal.
you feel empty.
you feel as though you want to just let everything out. ramble on and on. but you stop and think. are the people you're rambling to really listening? or is it merely out of obligation?
you want to seek opinions. you really do. but then again, you wonder if you're being a pest to the people you confide in.
you really need to be yourself at this point in time. but yet, you're afraid. that you will affect the people around you. this causes you to feel insecure. because, if you can't be yourself when you're with your friends, then are they really friends? but i guess everyone defines 'friends' differently, don't we?
you start doing so many things to numb this helplessness. stuffing your face with food, singing as though no one else exists, working and working non-stop, and sometimes even forcing yourself to be happy. or maybe scolding yourself for not being happy. who knows? you might even inflict pain on yourself. to give yourself an excuse to be unhappy.
you don't want to sleep. because you know that after the few hours of relief, reality will catch up and haunt you. so you'd rather not experience sweetness at all.
and finally, when you really can't hold it in any longer, you break down and cry. when you think no one is listening, observing or suspecting. for hours and hours. you want to stop. but you know you can't. the tears just keep falling.
sometimes, it's really just a fine line between happy and sad.
it can suffocate you.